The following is what a little bit of introspection has brought out.
The first reason that came out, thus more basic and apparent, was that MAYBE I’m too afraid of being rudely informed that I and my ‘art’ are not ‘good enough’. To a limited extent, this seemed true, but the fact that I generally do not feel too inclined to aim to ‘be the best’ in such matters of the self, and that I tend to wallow in a sense of promiscuous contentment at random (Don’t worry, not ALWAYS, iim-x!), made me think further and deeper.
And as is the case every so often, I stumbled upon a goldmine/minefield.
Every ‘non competitive’ activity I indulge in, is centred on what is closest to my self. Every single product manufactured by the processes under the above head, is a celebration of the freedom of the spirit, and an expression of what is most influencing my consciousness at that point in time. In effect, every such endeavour is, for that brief period, THE closest confidante one could possibly have, irrespective of one’s ‘status’; it knows our deepest secrets, even the ones we haven’t consciously embedded into it; it stares back into my blank face once complete, forcing me to go ever deeper into the domain of my knowledge of my self.
To even THINK, of going and marketing something I thus made, or putting it up for subjective evaluation makes me shudder. As in, ok, the feedback might help me ‘improve’ on the technicalities, but what use is such value addition when the soul stands compromised on.
When I am with something we create, I have no expectation from it, save the invisibles mentioned previously. That live piece of cosmic eternity on the other hand, feels nothing of my petty existence, and lets me be free as well. It is this pristine relationship, unburdened by the bother of expectation, which I realized I was seeking so desperately to preserve. The child like (‘retarded’, say the cynics) joys of doing something simply because it makes you happy, once lost to the ways of the world, I’m sure is hard to retrieve.
I know expectations form the basis of most meaningful relationships, but I’m sure it is universally accepted, that “Great Expectations” lead to sorrow and despair, more often than not. And owing to the enhanced sensitivity and depth of this domain of self expression and consciousness, I feel it is even more sensitive, to the burden and poison of expectation.
All of this is of course in accordance with the system variables that I’ve been programmed with. Results vary for every single one of us, on the degree and extent of such a sentiment. Will democracy conspire to have us pseudo-incompetents converted/relegated/hormone-transplanted/ genetically-‘enhanced’/eliminated? Only time will tell.
Sigh… So much love...
Stand by me!
